06 Feb 2010
life decisions
are something i'd rather not think about. i don't think i used to be this kind of person, but society has taught me to be coward. I can understand many of the choices laid out in front of me, and i often pick the one that satisfies my inner-child. but i'm growing older, and the decisions i make now are much more important.
after 17 years of living with myself, i still don't know me too well. and it often bothers me how little i care sometimes. while trying to convince the rest of the world my confidence and pride, i've realized that i unconsciously hide my fears of failure.
i say this and it seems ironic because i know rejection like the back of my hand. but rejection doesn't know me, it doesn't know what it does to me. what don't kill you only makes you stronger, but sometimes you just end up half dead.
on the other hand, i've realized that acceptance is often taken for granted. we don't see the true meaning of it because of the blinding joy it brings us.
i've always said to myself, "in order to fool others, you must first fool yourself. in order to convince others, you must first convince yourself"
but i don't think i can do this anymore. i know that it is the job of actors and actresses around the world, but for me right now.. its just too hard. my morals are slashed as i realize that 'fooling' can easily turn into self-deception.
with all this said, how can i be sure i'm doing the right thing. in the end i'm just confused and lost. and yet, maybe i'm just really pathetic as of this moment.
but...
right now, i really don't know what is ahead of me. i hate saying this, but i think it's about time i do some soul searching.
goodnightt...
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01 Feb 2010
time goes by slow when you're missing someone
remember all those times i said that time goes by way too fast?
well.. this time i need to say the opposite.
time goes by wayyy to slow when you're missing someone. maybe that's why i've been listening to Black Eye Peas' Missing You.
ughh i wish i was a tough person T___T but no, i'm just a little softie.  not good for this unstable heart LOL...
i hope i don't regret making this post cuz i really need to get things off my chest, and well... i don't exactly feel talking about any of this. ehhh it kind of hurts inside i'm not gonna lie, for the first time i realized that you should never take anything for granted. hahaaa...
well today i had rehearsal and i guess it was kind of a good thing for me cuz it keeps me focus in my life. music <3 i love you hahaaa..
so anyways.. did anyone listen to aChord's new mini album? i actually only really like one song. the others are okay.
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26 Jan 2010
midterms T___T
i'm a senior in highschool, but i can't really say i'm used to midterms.
Just took the English one today and i'm prettii sure i passed it... hopefully >.<
ahhhh and then tomorrow i have AP Calculus.. WHOOHOOO! i'm gonna fail, no doubt. my average is something close to a 55% COOL... not 
so i've decided to give up on AP Cal. i just... don't understand any of it. if only i knew what the questions were asking me. ehhh not cool at all.
ehhh my dreams have been really creepy lately. like someone i know getting raped and stuff like that, extremely disturbing. and honestly i don't even know what to do about these disturbing dreams. I wake up and they feel real-- and i hate that. i really do.
which also means that i'm lacking a LOT of sleep right now. ehhh... i don't wanna take a nap, so... yea hopefully i won't fall asleep tomorrow during AP Cal midterm.
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